Taking Over Me
by Leyla.Carby4eva.LP
Summary: It's about addiction, it's about love. Cause every human being has both feelings, even an unexperienced genius like SSA Dr. Spencer Reid. Which of them will destroy the other inside of his confused and troubled mind?
1. Round And Round

**1\. Round and Round**

" _Sorrow is knowledge, those that know the most must mourn the deepest over the fatal truth. The tree of knowledge is not the tree of life."_ Lord Byron

When the heavy rain fell, I used to spend hours and hours observing each and every drop of water that fell off the sky through the only and enormous window of my living room. Even if I didn't send a specific command to my brain, it worked at full speed to count them, exactly as if I was reading my usual twenty thousand words per minute.

My biggest wish was to discover how many drops fell precisely. Not one more nor one less. And when I had the feeling I was achieving the real number, something unexpected always distracted me.

Don't ask me how I knew I was getting to the right number; I just felt I was. And that wasn't enough for me. I needed to have _certainty._

I've grown up with this constant need to search for certainty everywhere it went and anywhere it could take me, making each day of my life a bigger challenge than the last as I used my full capacity to help my team solve the BAU cases.

But there was a moment between what happened with Tobias and when I took the Dilaudid vials from his pocket right after killing him in which this path branched. And the almost empty goblet of wine I was holding insisted on telling me I had chosen uncertainty this time. The counting of water droplets was not worth anything else, much less the life I was living in.

I let my eyes wander over my bookshelves full of books from every kind, trying to imagine in which of them I should look for a cure to that anguish feeling pounding inside of my chest and that could take away those horrible memories that tormented me for months. Something that could stop my brain from working at thousand miles per hour all the time and that could shut me out from everything.

But my gaze was deceitful. It took me exactly where I didn't wanna go. Cold sweat formed in my hands, my breathing accelerated and my heart wanted to leave my body through my mouth when I began to imagine what was kept in the top drawer in my bathroom.

I looked to both sides, as if I had a bit of hope that someone would stop me and would tell me it would all be okay. But no, I never had that someone.

An icy breeze floating through my curtains brought me more despair. I rubbed my shaking hands over my arms, trying to keep me warm and keeping them busy for a while, even though I knew it was in vain. I closed my eyes in a sigh and ran to the bathroom without thinking a minute more about what was wrong and what was right. The only sensation I wanted was the absence of them all. And I knew that the liquid that cold vial held was my way out, my uncertainty.

I tried not to look into the mirror. I didn't wanna face the monster that could be wishing and twisting for something that wasn't even real. I just rushed my way to that drawer to pick up the tourniquet, the syringe and the vial, the only items stored there, before running to my dark bedroom. I placed the stuff in my bed as I sat in there and my eager was only increasing until I felt my mouth watering.

Raised my shirt sleeve quickly and set the tourniquet in my arm with no difficulty. After all, I had done this a few times before. And each one of them I felt as guilty as I never felt before.

I opened the new sterilized syringe package and fit it in the vial, pulling 2 ccs with trembling hands. My heart even skipped a beat when I knew it was time for my elation.

All set! I just needed to get my best vein and push the plunger. It only took a little contact from the needle on my skin to my whole body ignite. My senses turned heightened even allowing me to hear steps on the street, a few meters and doors away.

The magic liquid penetrated with such ease and when I untied the tourniquet, the ecstasy was almost unbearable. Each muscle of my body contracted in pleasure and everything went in slow motion around me. My head shut off gradually as I felt my eyes roll over my head, in a big wave of pleasure which seemed infinite at every second that passed by. I still had a little bit of conscious to throw the syringe to the floor and, at long last, everything was gone.

My body floated in nothingness, in the absence of soul that gnawed me night and day. All my memories from that day and the days that went on intolerable were dissipating from every neuron that still wanted to make synapses. Until there was nothing more to feel, nothing.

And there wasn't…


	2. She Is Love

**2\. She Is Love**

" _Love is a fire that burns unseen,  
a wound that aches yet isn't felt,  
an always discontent contentment,  
a pain that rages without hurting" _Luís Vas de Camões

I've woken up almost suffocating with my doorbell ringing several times, still a little shaken up and breathing slowly. Who the hell could be at my door at this time? I was so numb still that I couldn't even open my eyes.

I managed to roll out of bed slowly, feeling too weighted to walk. Sat in my bed and saw the vial and the tourniquet lying in the bed. I was slow but I knew those things couldn't be seen there, ever. It would be like finding my death certificate. I opened my nightstand drawer and threw everything there, hoping that not even myself would find it there later. Then I looked down the floor and kicked the syringe under my bed.

I tried to fix my hair quickly, set my shirt sleeve down as I paced towards the door. The bell rang so insistently it was pulsing in my head like a nail. I was careful not to trip in my own wobbly legs and not before I sighed heavily to open my eyes, I unlocked the door.

To my surprise, JJ was at the door with the widest eyes.

"Spence! You took so long, I thought you…"

"…had died?" I was as dry as possible with my words, trying to keep my focus even when my sight was covered in fog.

Jennifer was the last person on earth I would expect to show up in my house unannounced like that. And to be honest, I wasn't in the mood for chatting, much less to explain my life to someone.

I bent my arm on the threshold and blinked a few times, noticing that JJ wasn't so fondly at my reply.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up. I just wanna to make sure you were… okay." She paused a little, maybe puzzled by my wrinkled clothes and my face looking like a zombie.

I rubbed my fingers in my eyes but my senses felt so drowsy that not even the image of the woman I love could make them get back to normal.

"As I can see, you're far from okay. We're worried, Spence. You know you can always trust your life on us. Especially on me."

"I'm okay, JJ. I'm sleeping better and the nightmares are decreasing considerably now." My nose started to weep along with my eyes and I didn't know what to do to stop it. I knew I couldn't keep hiding it from them for so long. And it took just one tear sliding through my cheek for JJ to change her worried look to a pity one.

"Spence, please, let me help you… You're so pale. When was the last time you ate?" she came closer, her hand touching my arm softly.

A heated sensation travelled throughout my body in response to that simple touch that seemed like had fired up all the flames a woman could find in a man. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt that way, or I simply had never felt it before. All I know is that it made my knees lose balance and the only support I had in front of me was JJ herself, who tried to hold me without thinking twice.

"God, you can't even stand up! Let's sit inside, c'mon." JJ fixed her tiny shoulders under my arm and with a little difficulty, she closed the door after we entered my house.

"I'm sorry, J, I'm just a little tired…" she helped me sit in my bed and this time her fingers touched my forehead, noticing I was burning. "I'm okay now."

"No, of course you're not! You're burning in fever!" she would pull out her hand when I held it and made her face me like never before.

I was very confused, I couldn't pinpoint the intrinsic pleasure from the unreal, created by the Dilaudid. But I wasn't sure when I would have another chance with JJ if not like this, with all the bravery in the world inside of me when I got high.

"JJ, believe me." I tried to fake a smile and it didn't help with her worried eyes. "I'm fine. Maybe I just need a... a glass of wine." I found strength lost somewhere in my depths to stand up and walk to the kitchen to get the bottle and another goblet.

"Maybe we both need it…" I handled the glass to her and she had finally calmed down, but I could tell something still bothered her. She knew something was wrong. Something that was getting out of their hands and even of mine.

"I thought you didn't drink alcohol…" she asked, a bit ironic.

"Well… I didn't really like the taste until I found this bottle, tried out and finally came to a conclusion that I had lost too much time depriving myself of such good things life can offer." I served her the wine and then to me, seating at my armchair as she sat in front of me in my bed.

"I think you need something to distract you, to have fun a little." She said taking a sip. I couldn't help but let out a shy giggle.

Does she really know me?

Everyone knows my kind of fun was never considered 'delightful' in 99.9% of the world population. But I was reaching a point where all my frustrations couldn't be repressed anymore. They were desperate to leak out of me. And I had no idea how I would manage that.

"Yeah, maybe… but my ways of entertainment are not effective anymore, if you know what I mean. To read more than ten books per week is not as stimulating as it used to be."

"Oh, c'mon Spence! You had your young days when you had that worst hangover you wish you could never remember with your friends… Everybody does that." She smiled, incredulously.

"No, I never did it. I always thought that drinking was a waste of time and hepatic cells. I was too busy studying those cells, by the way…" I took a large sip of wine, a little embarrassed with the next sentence that would come out. "I never knew what it was like 'to go out with friends' before I met you guys…" she was looking even more disbelieved, shaking her head negatively.

"I bet your magic tricks did wonderful success with the girls." She tried, reluctant, but I could feel she already knew the answer. The truth was that whole conversation was depressing me.

"Which girls, Jennifer? They avoided me most of the time and when I was noticed they had to disguise their giggle." The comical tone of that conversation was disappearing already. My talk was a bit slower than usually so I drank my last sip of the night. "To tell you the truth, I didn't even know how to speak to them. I tripped in thoughts and got stuck on them, static. To be honest, JJ, this is one of the sciences I still didn't follow through. And I'm gonna tell you a secret; the only woman that actually ever took me seriously, looked me in the eyes and smiled when I met her is seating right before me right now." I had no idea from where or how this words had come out of me. I only knew they were as true as they could be. It really was how I felt. And why I needed Dilaudid to tell it out loud, I still didn't know…

JJ outlined a disguised grin and ran from my gaze for a moment. She was embarrassed and probably didn't know what to say back. And I felt like a complete idiot to think that she could reply to my feelings.

"Now you feel even more sorry for me… I'm so stupid!" I stood up swiftly, a little stressed out and then, again, my legs didn't support the weight of my body. And there was JJ to hold me again. And there was her hands touching my body again. And there was her heart so close to mine and her lips that I yearned so much for years.

"Spence, you shouldn't have drunk. You're still so hot. You definitely have a fever." She said it softly, touching her palm in my forehead slowly.

"It's not a fever, Jennifer…" I tried to stand still and talk through my glance what words couldn't express. I longed for her for so long and now my body couldn't take her presence so close. "It's you."

I let my head go close to her, still looking into that enigmatic blue pair of hers and did what my heart screamed for; I touched my lips on hers with greatest desire to possess her but she hesitated in the beginning. We were almost like two little kids playing. But then I felt her lips softening to mine, entwining her tongue with mine and allowing me to explore her mouth in all possible ways. The biggest rush of euphoria ran through my veins and everything seemed so… unreal. After all, I would've never taken that kind of step sober or lucid. But my insecurity was gone this time.

My freezing hands landed in her neck slowly and I heard her moan, sign that made me reach closer, clumsy as I always was, but gently. Our noses played with each other and to interrupt our make out session, she tried to say something:

"Spence, what… are… we…" my hands travelled down her arms and then she pulled away a little.

"I want this for so long, Jenny… I need you to heal me…" I eagerly started kissing her again and this time my body was already responding to hers and my head started to spin.

What was happening? It didn't seem real, maybe it wasn't real! My mind was going a million miles an hour and my ear seemed to capture her heartbeats increasingly faster. My brain seemed to mix intense waves of pleasure with rational thoughts of all kinds: as all I wanted to do was to enjoy that unique moment, statistics about sex, about how many muscles were exercised and how many calories were burnt during the act wouldn't stop pestering me.

JJ let my desperate hands to start opening the buttons of her silk white shirt, something I could never do in right conscious for just one big motive. I had no experience with sex at all.

My body pressed hers so much that she probably knew I was too damn horny. So she let me bring her down to the bed and she sat. Our eyes met again in the darkness of my bedroom but this time I could see and feel clearly the desire circling on her too. And those eyes pulled me inside of her like a sea undertow.

I was scared of hurting her, my head insisted to compare her with a porcelain doll. When I finished with the buttons, I let my fingers slide her shirt sleeves away carefully and then I knew I would keep that mental picture forever in my mind. I could see her breasts covered by a salmon lace bra and her soft and very white skin everywhere.

She was perfect, with body and soul and now I was fully certain of it. I looked her in the eyes again and smiled in disbelief. She grinned back as she let her hands encircle my neck, caressing my hair there before she could open her legs and bringing me closer in between them. I lied on top of her slowly when I remembered I should be busy with her mouth too as it was her turn to unbutton my shirt.

There was not a bit of shyness in me anymore and my lust was only increasing at each little part of her body that I explored. The tip of my fingers drew a delicate path towards the valley of her breasts and I had to whisper in her ear:

"May I…?"

JJ nodded instantly, as if she wanted me to touch her as much as I wanted that. It might sound old-fashioned, but I was about to touch a woman's breasts for the first time ever. I thought it was more polite to ask her permission first.

I began to rub them lazily, in round circles on top of her bra. They were the softest thing I ever touched and seemed quite bigger now. With only a few strokes, her nipples puckered in my fingers and they became very visible through the sheer fabric. That feeling was unique, indeed.

She let out a few quiet moans as she ran her hands throughout my back.

"You can take it off, Spence." She motioned to the closure in the front and directed my fingers there. Hesitantly and with the most care in the world, I unclasped it and removed it slowly, like I was performing a ritual, at which I was the beginner.

And when I saw her perfect round breasts exposed to my fascinated eyes, I could swear I had reached paradise. I touched them amazed and spread tiny kisses around her nipples without hesitating, tearing more audible moans from JJ's throat. But when she giggled a little, she rubbed her waist against me and then I noticed why she was laughing. She probably felt my dick throbbing in between her legs. I had just found out a treasure, I even forgot I had much more to do in there.

By never ceasing the kisses everywhere, we got rid of our pants quickly. I confess I was a little embarrassed to see her facing my erection, but nothing that some kisses wouldn't make it go away. Her hands were now travelling my chest and turning on all the possible nerve endings I had there.

We were almost naked and I couldn't help my body moving against hers. I couldn't take it anymore and before I could let it finally happen, one of my favorite poems insisted to get out through my lips while we took the last pieces of clothes that were left.

" _It was many and many a year ago,_

 _In a kingdom by the sea,_

 _That a maiden there lived whom you may know_

 _By the name of Annabel Lee;_

 _And this maiden she lived with no other thought_

 _Than to love and be loved by me."_

Mumbled in her ear, real slowly and when I finished the first verse, I caught a glimpse of her surprisingly gleaming eyes in my direction. Our bodies were united as never before, we felt like one. I fixed one lock of her hair that was falling on her face as she brushed her slender fingers in my face, showing me the certainty I needed to start our loving.

Her legs finally adjusted around my hips and they fit perfectly. Lust filled me so strongly that, when I closed my eyes for a second, I felt not only sliding inside her body but inside her heart and inside her mind. How could I have lived so far without experiencing the eighth wonder?

My waist moved automatically, penetrating softly, gliding without the least intention of hurting her or rush things. On the contrary, I wanted this to last forever and forever… it wasn't enough.

I couldn't stop staring at her, paying attention at every single moan, every sigh and breathing in her citric scent that bewitched me. Her eyes allowed me to rummage all over her soul.

" _I_ _was a child and_ _she_ _was a child,_

 _In this kingdom by the sea,_

 _But we loved with a love that was more than love—_

 _I and my Annabel Lee—_

 _With a love that the winged seraphs of Heaven_

 _Coveted her and me."_

Every inch of myself vibrated in ecstasy. A totally unknown pleasure that for me was the best of all of them. Our moves were getting faster naturally and I couldn't contain my groans in between our intimate dance. Her kisses were lasting longer now, and felt more passionate and wet. Sometimes her lips would just go all over my neck as I kept whispering:

" _But our love it was stronger by far than the love_

 _Of those who were older than we—_

 _Of many far wiser than we—_

 _And neither the angels in Heaven above_

 _Nor the demons down under the sea_

 _Can ever dissever my soul from the soul_

 _Of the beautiful Annabel Lee"_

"Am I hurting you?" I asked with the least voice I still had while I was almost spent. She pecked my lips and grinned.

"No, Spence, you could never hurt me." I returned the smile and our bodies went on a unique pace, our own pace. We were getting there.

My hands, out of control, climbed her body up and down, her thighs, butt cheeks, breasts, everything was taken care of. Our movements were so fast and intense that I felt my muscles trembling by weariness. Her hot body was my perdition and my salvation. I started to have moments of delusion and insanity, my thoughts were out of order in between her loud moans, as in slow motion.

"Spencer... Oh, Spence..." she repeated my name several times and everything got even more blurred, covered in fog.

Then I felt her walls clenching me down there and that was the same time I reached my peak. My eyes rolled over my head in bliss and she pressed me against her harder now as her breath blew heavily on my face.

The best feeling in the world had just vanished from me and that was way too scary. But I still was marveled. It was completely paradoxal. And it was even better than the dilaudid rush, indeed.

"Wow, that was… amazing, J." I kissed her lingeringly and stayed inside of her for a while, without moving, just enjoying the last sensations. She was looking at me in a way she never dared before, I could tell she was attracted to me now. A huge goose bump travelled up my spine when her hands stroke my hair.

We were clearly spent. I felt by her side and embraced her in my arms, her head lying in my chest. And that was the time I felt I could never love someone else like I loved her. She was perfect for me.

I fell asleep with a smile printed in my lips and an huge will to confess all my love for her. But on one way or another, we just confessed it to each other anyway.


	3. The Reason

**3\. The Reason**

 _"Joy's recollection is no longer joy, while sorrow's memory is a sorrow still." Lord Byron_

The sun was penetrating through the curtains when JJ woke up. An instant shock filled her entirely when she noticed she had no idea where she was. And it got even more frightening when she felt a chilly breeze blowing all over her completely naked forms under the sheer sheets.

Her eyes once half opened due to the sunlight were now wide when they moved to the sight of Spencer sleeping by her side, with one of his hands gently placed on her belly. That was when it all came back to her; all the variety of feelings she experienced last night without forgetting one single detail and never neglecting the kindness which he treated her.

JJ formed a smile and started to observe his face traits as he slept. Watched how his chest moved up and down slowly, how his hair was more messed up than usual and how his lips attracted her like never before. She thought she was daydreaming.

That kind of feeling, so new, for someone so close, invaded her so suddenly that it made her stay there motionless, with no action for several minutes, just admiring the view and trying to figure out what were those magic sparkles that could make her heart jump and beat fast on her neck for someone that until last night was only one of her best friends.

It frightened her. Spencer wasn't actually an easy person to deal with and she knew he was going through a very difficult time in his life. He was changed, still confronting the recent scars those days of torture had left on him. And all of this happened just because JJ had gone separate ways from him that night…

She felt extremely guilty for that chain of bad events that he had to go through. All by himself. Alone.

It brought her a recollection of his desperate words from last night: _"I need you to heal me…"_

Could she help him and be his safe rock?

She couldn't make up her mind yet and decided not to pressurize herself that much. They only spent a night together. Such an intense night…

Her thoughts finally led her to sit up, moving Reid's hand carefully away from her as she stepped on the floor to begin the search for every piece of her clothes that was spread on the floor. Grabbed her pants, shirt, panties but she couldn't really find her bra. So she kneeled to search under the bed and found something she never thought she could find there.

Jennifer felt a shiver run through her body as her mind started to picture the innumerous stupid things Spencer could be doing with a needle and syringe. She grabbed it carefully and brought it closer to her eyes, noticing the coagulated blood on it and tried to imagine what was in it and, above all, why.

If she was startled before, now she was very concerned with Reid. And as a good FBI agent, JJ started to connect his odd behavior, his drowsiness, paleness and his unusual aggressiveness with the side effects of some injective drug. She just needed to find out what kind of drug.

JJ stood up, grabbed a plastic envelope she always had in her purse in case of need and, carefully not to wake Spencer, placed it inside with the less noise possible. She breathed heavily looking at him still not knowing what she would do about this. But it was serious, very serious.

He definitely needed help.

She got dressed in a blink of an eye as she thought how she would approach him and how she could handle that situation without involving the rest of the team. And left without waiting for him to wake up.

* * *

A strong orange light stung my eyes as I set my sight on the clock after taking the empty goblet out of my way, noticing I had overslept. Hotch is gonna kill me!

When I tried to rush my way out of the bed, I experienced a combination of terrible feelings throughout my body; from nausea and stomach pain to constant throbs inside my head. The whole room was spinning and only then I realized I wasn't wearing any clothes.

Everything looked weird, I couldn't even remember a single moment of what happened last night. It was all black from the moment I touched the needle in my arm yesterday until now. How did I… end up naked and completely out like this?

I felt frightened. I started to sweat like I had run a marathon. I took a few deep breaths and my vision started to work normal again little by little, the fog slowly disappearing. As I tried to reorganize my thoughts, I found every single piece of my clothes spread to several places in my room. My trousers, shirt, tie and finally something which, to my surprise, couldn't belong in any way to my wardrobe: a salmon lace bra wrapped under my shirt.

"Hello? Is... someone there?" I asked to the walls, afraid if I might have an answer. And afraid I wouldn't too… After all, it was hard, almost impossible to believe that a woman would've actually spent the night with me.

I had full conscious I wasn't much of a success with the ladies. Besides, I was unexperienced from head to toe, if you know what I mean; a 25-year-old man with boy face and… virgin still. Several situations had gone through my head that wouldn't stop hurting, but still, those neurons would insist to work in that frantic way, always trying to find meaning in everything.

Well, maybe my most powerful and functional kind of memory could be useful to me now: I treaded around slowly, still a bit dizzy but nothing I couldn't handle, and so I got that mysterious piece of fabric in hands. Took it to my nostrils height and inhaled the citric perfume, so known and desired scent for me. I couldn't mix _that_ fragrance on miles away. And it quickly unleashed a quick and fragmentary kind of flashback inside my head: a swift but peak ecstasy, my moans mixed with some woman's apparently naked and… blond. My hands kneading her…

POOF.

I came back to straight to reality with an almost unbearable headache and a terrible fear of those new drug effects I was having, which, in the beginning, was making my life a little less intolerable but now… I wasn't even sure if those images in my brain were real or if they were just some hallucination I had.

My stomach churned and I was sure of something: that would be one of those days.

I kept the bra inside my closet and promised myself I would never use Dilaudid again.

* * *

One hour late, I arrived at BAU, with my usual coffee in hands and with a new accessory I knew everyone would notice but that would have to be part of my apparel if I wanted to hide the black circles that was forming under my eyes and seemed worse at each day. And things get worse: the sun felt like blades cutting through my optical nerve. So I found this old aviator I once bought but never wore. I knew I was looking like a cheap rockstar with a hangover, but my looks were the last of my concerns right now. The first was to explain Hotch…

Everyone stared at me with that serious, I would even say worried look, waiting for me to explain something that has never happened before. All that I needed now: interrogatory. As if all the question in my mind wasn't enough as it is.

"Hey, Dr. I-Never-Arrived-Late-In-My-Life-Before Reid!" Morgan tried to joke even when my body language was shouting I wasn't up for fun.

I didn't answer him, just sat in my chair trying to prepare for the jokes to come. Hotch was the main problem cause he was my boss. JJ was the only one who wasn't staring. Weird…

"Is everything okay, Reid?" asked Hotch curiously, waiting for an answer.

"Yeah, yeah I just forgot to set my alarm yesterday, sorry. It won't happen again, sir." I tried to escape the way I could but still, they kept throwing their glances at me but JJ.

Yep, definitely one of those days…

The reunion went on, everybody participated and I felt totally out of that room, of that world trying to think of a way to handle my life without that damn drug but when it was about that, my head just refuses to bring me the answer. I was miserable in all possible ways, couldn't sleep well in months and the only pleasure I had was now scaring me with the effects as never before.

Hotch showed the pictures of the victims of our case and I couldn't gaze at them for long. If I did, I knew all the terrible feelings and the reminiscences which I was trying to run away from would take over me. My head still exploded while all I wanted to do was to stay stuck at home, alone, lying in my bed, sleeping… numb.

"Hey, Reid! Did you hear what I say?" Hotch spoke louder and brought my head back to earth.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" I asked slowly, sliding my index finger in my forehead. I couldn't concentrate…

"I was telling you to analyze these files with data from the possible suspects. This new drug that is out there is killing more than we thought it could. We need to know who's behind that and what it is exactly. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired. Nothing that caffeine wouldn't solve!"

…Nothing that caffeine and a good Dilaudid dose wouldn't solve in a blink of an eye, in a perfect explosive combination. But no! Not this time! I didn't wanna keep doing this, I wanted to find my will to live I had inside of me again sober. But why does it sound so unreachable?

"Well so… that's it, let's get to work. Reid, if you need some time, you have 10 minutes."

"Thanks, but I won't need it." I tried my best to give them the fake smile they wanted to see and hide the turmoil of bad feelings surrounding me night and day.

When all of them had left the room, I stood up slowly, expecting that the dizziness wouldn't hit me again. And I was almost prepared to start my work when I felt a soft touch in my right shoulder. My body had this inexplicable shock, as if an electric current was travelling all over me in fractions of seconds, until it hit my head. Suddenly, a little of that flashback I had this morning appeared again, but this time more vividly and neatly. And when I looked back, the woman's face coincided perfectly with Jennifer's, triggering almost the whole supposed recollection of last night.

I felt my face burn promptly in a mixture of surprise and confusion.

Oh god, it couldn't be! That perfume…

"Spence…" she called me in that smooth way of hers and her eyes would face me for the first time since…

Those images… they were so perfect and felt so real in my memory that every and each cell of my body believed blindly on that unimaginable hypothesis of me spending the night with her. But it could just be a stupid and elusive product of Dilaudid. There's no way I could know.

"I think we need to talk..."

"About… what?" I tried to pretend, cause nothing in that picture made sense to me anymore.

"I think you know well what happened between us last night…" she couldn't see it through my sunglasses, but my eyes widened completely and my legs buckled to her mumbled words.

How… couldn't I be sure I had lost my virginity with the woman who… who was living in my dreams permanently for two years?

My heart was trying to escape through my mouth. How… how could I lose one of the best moments of my life?

"Now I'm pretty sure… I had too much wine last night, you know…" I chuckled nervously, trying to hide my indignation with myself.

What would she think if she'd found out I didn't even remember how she tasted like? What kind of despicable man was I becoming?

All I wanted and needed now was to try those lips again and never forget about their taste again. I needed to feel it was real.

Jennifer looked uncomfortable, staring at the floor. She didn't sound happy at all. Well, me and my frustrating lack of experience with women, wine and drugs was probably the cause of that disappointment. I blew it!

"Well, Spencer, I don't think this is the best place for us to talk about it. Let's grab a coffee after our shift and then we can talk, okay?" her gaze – or better, the lack of it – was breaking my heart in little pieces. I just needed to know what was so wrong with me. "But let's just keep this between us… right?"

"Of course. We talk later..." I answered dryly.

Tried for a rapid moment to just touch on her fingers resting on the table, but she took her hand away before I could, glanced at me again and left the room, taking with her all the pieces of my scattered and smashed heart.

I had barely get used to the fact of having her and now she was already slipping through my fingers…

It was like that my whole life…


End file.
